Chapter 1.1 Derps, Brooms, and Rock N'Roll INTRO POST!

Oh dude, what a spectacularly shitty title. I am not witty, I just like to act like I am. Welcome to my ISBI!

Meet: Our founder! Miss Erzsebet Eventide, daughter of two of my favorite sims, Karenova Morthei and a splendidly sexy Peter Steele sim.. because I just had to have that level of hot in my game. FOR EVEERRRRRR.

Dear GODS, not even a paragraph in, and we already have a perv face gif. You have been warned.

That being said, let's meet the lovely, yet batshit in-fucking-sane, Erzsebet. For some reason she has vampire eyes and yet.. is a witch? Who knows. I sure don't.

"I have come to subdue this plot of land.. for greater glory!"

Don't let that noble, regal, 'brave and ambitious' posture fool you. Two seconds after this she was gibbering about how her lack of sapphires was going to result in her untimely death.

"SAPPHIRES! Pbbbbbbtgaaaaaah! They're going to come to liiiiiife and invade my dreams!"
O..o-kay.
Moving on. Seeing as she moved out of a rather rich house, she started with a lot of extra cash that I had no idea what to do with. So I built and rebuilt the house a few times because there is a reason I feel drawn to neurotic Sims to get rid of it, but still ended up with a bigger house than usual for a legacy. Oh well. I whittled her finances down quite nicely, and she won't have any fancy gadgets til she earns them without using HotDaddySteele's nest egg.

"Haha.. I still managed to bring my favorite book. It's called How To Kill Your God-like Simmer By Being Incredibly Annoying and Causing an Aneurysm."

-_- You keep talkin', Erzsie, and it's the ugliest bastard I can find for you. I am NOT a benevolent Sim-dictator. Heh.. dic...tator.
Moving right along. I just have to show off her rather stellar mothefuckin' fridge. Because I put hieroglyphics on that shit. I thought.. hmmm. Maybe this will look completely stupid. But! It didn't. Yay.

"Look. Just look. I'm eating toast. With jam. Isn't this sim abuse of some sort? Where the fuck is my lobster thermidor?"

Especially when you make adorable faces as you eat the bread and jam. :3

Erzsie: *grimace*
-_-

"I have a wand.. and I don't know how to use it."
Okay, stop being simultaneously cute and annoying. I demand it!

"But I can make pretty sparklies!"
My.. point.. stands...
Before I totally forget, Erzsebet's lifetime want is to be an International Super Spy. *mouth twitch* So the first thing I did was set her off to the police station, to begin her illustrious career as.. a snitch.
-_- <---- Why do I feel like this is going to be a permanent face for me during this ISBI? :D

"Whoa! Horsies! Pretty, pretty horsies!"
Erzsebet, just keep running before they trample you to death. Don't disturb the wild horsies as they.. think about baked goods? Moooooving right along..
I call the following montage.. "And You Call Yourself an Angler", by Erzsebet Eventide.

 "Ow."

 Random Fish: HAHAHAHA! Sucker!

"It's really mean of you to document my humiliation in this fashion, miss SimGoddessWomanPerson...twat."
Oh, Erzsie.. Clearly you haven't been briefed on the purposes of this documentation.

"WTF is this? A used condom?"

Just.. just put it down before you catch Simphilis.

 "Hey, look, I didn't fall this time!"

"Why are you still laughing at me?!"

Soon it was time for Erzsie to go to her job. She donned a surprisingly cute outfit, which I was not aware was a uniform for snitches everywhere. But hey..

"I look cute.. runnin' to work.. you can't make fun of me now!"

Um. You have a broom.

"Shaddup."
......
Work was entirely uneventful, though my bestie's elf sim, Xaneria Firemoon, apparently took a job at the police department as well. When Erzsebet tried to talk to her after work, Xan just ran. Smart Xan. Run Xan, RUN.

This bothered Erzsebet long after she reached the derptastic insanity relative safety of her home.

"I'll never have any frieeeeends.."

Certainly not if you run after them like a looney-tunes.

"I think she knew I had ugly windows. Why did you give me such ugly windows?!"

Don't take her at face value. Her very next action was to gush over how much she LOVED these damn windows.

You said it, Tardersauce. You said it.

I said relative safety for  a reason, because..
Just then, a colleague from work just.. kinda showed up. And started talking about handcuffs. And stuff.
>__>

Perv Work Chick: So now I carry handcuffs with me wherever I go. You just never know when someone will be in the mood for a little.. tank and spank.

Erzsebet: I HAVE A PANIC BUTTON. Do not make me push it, bitch.

"So.. since you managed to sexually harass me within about five minutes of being SO cordially invited into my house, to which you showed up uninvited.. how about a promotion?"

"Did I mention I'm a witch?...."

Needless to say.. she got the promotion. You just can't touch that level of neurosis.

"And then I asked for the promotion.. mrrrrh.. I can't believe it worked.."

Tune in next time for another episode of.. 'what the fuck am I doing here with these crazy people'?!

Will Erzsebet ever find love? (YES DAMNIT BECAUSE I WILL HOOK HER UP WITH THE FIRST MALE TO LOOK AT HER WITHOUT REVULSION)

Will Erzsebet ever stop being so god-damned cute and annoying at the same time? (Too much to ask for here, people.)

Will she lose her job at the precinct due to her blackmail? (No such justice in the Sims 3.)

Stay tuned..